I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
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Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
“the hills are alive”
“OH MY GOD HEAD FOR THE OH NOOOO I MEAN HEAD AWAY FROM THE”
“with the sound of music”
“OH GOD THE HILLS ARE GOING TO EAT US AND ALSO THEY ARE SINGING RUN FASTER!!!!”
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
My mom gave me a coffee mug that says “Be your own kind of beautiful” and I’m really trying not to read too much into that
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR