I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
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“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
you should fight them
– me as a therapist
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK