I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
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BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
me after drinking all the wine:
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.