“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
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I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
The Snickerdoodle is the most sarcastic of the dog breeds
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
Nicole Kidman said WHAT?!
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool