Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
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son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!