Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.

2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans

People: *freaking out*

2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.

People: lol ok

I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…

Or watch it, even.

I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.

Well, this is awkward

Ok that baby hippo is adorable but how did 90% of my timeline become baby hippo overnight without me ever searching hippo content.

[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.

why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly

I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song

Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”

Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.

If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious

Amen

“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.

Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?

Me: I think that’s a myth.

Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.

Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow

hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!

[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man

BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip

Me: Hi.

Girl: No.

“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”

*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*

People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.

earlier I was standing in a queue to get into a show with my producer and she pointed at someone and said, “that’s Gerard Butler” and I sort of did a friendly wave at him, because I didn’t know who Gerard Butler was and I thought he was maybe one of her friends

If snakes were wide

*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up

“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”

*eats 12 pancakes

At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.

When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.

business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling down

business 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpole

business 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections

Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.

We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”

Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing

I weigh at least 17 squirrels