Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.

returning to work after a holiday weekend like

idk flipping houses looks really hard

INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.

OMFG!

I just learned a dentist up the street from us got arrested for dealing drugs.

Just goes to show you how wrong you can be about your neighbors,

I’ve been going to this guy for well over a decade, I never knew he was a dentist.

I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.

When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many

i’ve decided to handle this like a mature adult…i’m telling your mom

A homeless man asked me for money. I had 10 dollars in my pocket and didn’t want it wasted on alcohol so I gave it to him.

*weird horror movie sounds*

me: it’s okay, it was just the cat

cat: ah hell nah

me: what?

demon: meow?

[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough

Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.

me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please

vendor: sorry cash only

Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!

I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻

When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.

I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves

My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.

Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?

Me:

When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?

Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE

Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy

Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.

My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”

Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?

Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.

Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”

every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it

MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.

Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.

What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?

.

.

A pool table

Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”

I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.