I just tested negative for patience.
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JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
Expect the unexporcupine.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
