Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to ruin your kids day:

1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock

I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”

Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.

me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone

firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve

Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.

ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.

GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.

ME: It’s just SO big.

ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?

HER: give me back my baby

Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.

My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING

I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”

Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate

Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand

H: I can’t eat chocolate

Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*

Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story

ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you

ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator

A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice

Realizing that someone else will be in charge of this shitshow is really a selling point for demon possession

Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.

the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing

I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.

I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.

The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.

honey, bring out the fine china.

me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate

them: why can’t you just say it’s raining

Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.

Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.

CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.

This bar smells like my childhood.

If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)

Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.

I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.

It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.