I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
You Might Also Like
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.