*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
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*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
Dad: ok we need to find the number to that store, get the phone book
Me: Get the what now?
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.