I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
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It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
Took my kid to the ER recently and just got two bills…one for the ER and one for the doctor we saw at the ER. Sorry, I didn’t realize there was an option to just go to the ER without seeing a doctor and just hang out.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
Shift.
I meant SHIFT!
Oh god.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph