i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
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True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
Tampons should yell “OH YEAH” in the Kool Aid man’s voice when they’re full
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
paramedic: [shining light into my eyes] what’s the last thing you remember
me: the question you just asked
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.