I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
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I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Whenever I get up my cat gets up too and then yells at me like it’s my fault she decided we have to do this together
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
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At my funeral take the bouquet off my casket and throw it in the crowd to see who next