Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying

Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.

Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper

Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.

him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?

cop: licence and registration

He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.

me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?

techician: sure..I’ll take a look

[later, ]

technician: it’s not too bad..

me: thank god..what is it?

technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders

me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?

what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”

Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.

1 kid: Makes you a mom.

2 kids: Makes you a maid.

3 kids: Makes you a manager.

4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.

I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for

me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit

her: that’s not so bad

[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luck

her: I see

2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.

Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.

I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up

[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?

“Bring your own beer”

Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat

I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.

Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.

I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way

Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.

no one:

my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows

“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.

Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.

To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.

I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.

[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.

satan: not today, microsoft teams

I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.

Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.