Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.

As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.

I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.

me: just bear with me

bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in

Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.

The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.

“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol

Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes

When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines

Delicious sardines

High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.

me:[drinking from a human skull]

him: is that full of blood?

me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.

All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon

[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”

God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then

It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.

Never skip the footnotes – it’s here you find out who made the author angry enough to write the article.

*walking into someone’s house with healthy, thriving houseplants everywhere*

Me: Oh, I see you dabble in witchcraft.

[she comes home with a doggy bag]

Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*

What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?

Me: I’ve lost the dictionary

Her: Can you look upstairs?

Me: I can’t look up anything

Friends come and friends go.

Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.

And the ones that bring beer.

For those that worship cheese..

In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.

I triple waxed for this?

Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick

If they can make a nuclear reactor small enough to power a submarine, why can’t they make one for my house

[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.

[Interview]

Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!

Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.