I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
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a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
My kid’s school thought 15 spirit days in the month of December was a good idea and now we’re one step closer to homeschooling.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
The ad said “these dresses get compliments” like I’m some kinda compliment w#@r*.
Anyway, I’m gonna have a look at those dresses
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.