Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”

I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.

Hey
@Boeing
, my neighbor Gary that mows at 8 am, is saying a lot of bad things about your company. DM me for address.

Study: People with children live longer.

People with children: Shit.

Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?

Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad

What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?

Merry Christmas everyone

“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”

they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar

Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.

Raise the bar ..?

Like, go and drink upstairs ..?

Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.

i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet

girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards

“How stressed are you?”

Me:

me: *entering the ocean*

ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?

It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.

If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery

we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds

I texted my ex,

I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.

I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.

[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years

No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.

My friends can barely make rent, but everybody on home buying TV shows is like, “My husband is a professional thumb wrestler and I’m a rubber duck designer. Our budget is fourteen quadrillion dollars.”

For real 🤣

I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.

funny guys are dangerous they make you laugh and laugh then boom they hit you with a shovel and throw you in a ditch

I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.

– smokers

When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”

I know this now.