Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.

[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now

How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?

[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.

My cousin and her husband fell in love despite playing for rival marching bands, and yet she refuses to write a romance novel based on the experience

[in Starbucks]

“It’s Ian with one i”.

“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.

I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.

I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.

Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute

“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”

Me: Oh problem, definitely

“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”

Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is

(credit Morgz, account missing)

Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.

went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me

Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.

every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.

*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*

*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*

Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?

Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?

Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”

Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off

Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.

Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.

You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.

“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson

Am I capable of premeditated murder?

Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.

At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.

“HULK WANT LOAN.”

Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”

“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”

Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”

A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not

Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:

Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan air

Where does it end?

Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots

R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P

This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show

“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”

{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.