I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
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[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
I know
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?