I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
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I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
My wife asked me if I have plans for the weekend. It’s like she doesn’t even read my weekly newsletter.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
My 4yo started a 10-minute timer and a 12-minute timer at the same time. When the 10-minute timer went off first, she cried. She was rooting for the 12-minute timer to win.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa