“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
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*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
My kids, after they’ve said they’re full, “but our dessert stomach is empty!”
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
“age is just a number” yeah the older i get the number i feel
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director