“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
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How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Microplastics are a waste of time. I’m going straight to eating whole milk jugs
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
“Theirye’re” problem solved
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be