“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
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Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
My rock bottom keeps refreshing
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
😂😂
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
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It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup