“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
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rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Cats (2019)
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be