Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor

Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses

[holding the door open for a pretty woman]

Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir

Me: *blushing* I aim to please

Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor

M: I despise you

*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL

I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence

ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]

WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?

I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.

@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.

If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all

MY BODY: You should exercise

ME: That sounds good

MY BODY: Because it’s heathy

ME: Yeah!

MY BODY: And makes you feel good

ME: Definitely!

MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!

ME: I’m lost

New hires be happy af 😂😂 You bouta see why we was hiring 🤣

*hears dogs bark*

“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”

Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.

Friend: pollen?

Me: hipsters.

*pulls up pants*

Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?

Me: why is my water bill always so high?

Me in shower:

[Darth Vader sitting down]

DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!

Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord

DV: You thought?

*begins force choking*

You have kale’d me for the last time

[Watching “Alien” with my son]

Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared

Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.

I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.

*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*

i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit

8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*

8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:27am: *takes a shower*

9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*

9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*

Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.

Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update

Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older

Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?

Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol

Ryan Reynolds is my cousin

~ me flirting

~ also me lying

Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…

i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton

All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive

All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us

Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?

Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better