Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[several months ago]

BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby

JAY-Z: How many we got

BEYONCÉ: One

JAY-Z: Not a problem

Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho

Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.

woke up on the wrong side of the jed today

Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”

Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.

Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.

HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.

ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.

“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”

If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.

LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied

I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.

ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*

Nobody:

The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse

mugger: I said, your money or your life

me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him

our kids: awww

*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.

Me: what’s the deal with airplane food

Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise

Very proud of my HOA community. A Karen took a picture of home & posted it to the community FB group saying she didn’t like the color they painted it & she shouldn’t be forced to look at it, was reporting it to the HOA. Everyone banded together to criticize her & now she’s moving

Her: Does your dog do any tricks?

Me: I taught him to lie on the bed

Her: That’s not impressive lol

Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter

People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it

I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model

ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.

THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.

ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”

Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen

Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan

I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.

Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?

My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.

We just got it set up.

I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.

My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken

[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency

72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response

Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma

Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories

Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table