I just told my husband I found a giant active wasp nest in our backyard and he said “I know! I saw that a few days ago!” so we got to have a lecture about “see something, say something.”
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death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
Siri, fight Alexa.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.