I just told my husband I found a giant active wasp nest in our backyard and he said “I know! I saw that a few days ago!” so we got to have a lecture about “see something, say something.”
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“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
doing your own taxes
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“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
Mountain Goat : )
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Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0