I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
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Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
353 days a year folks are like “Does anyone still use libraries?”
On national holidays they’re all “WE NEED TO USE THE LIBRARY RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW”
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
worst online experience has gotta be finding a reddit post that outlines your exact symptoms and every comment is like “you should go to the hospital” and someone says “any update OP?” but the OP hasnt posted in 5 years
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.