Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!

Life: let’s gooo
Road conditions: fuck you

Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night

*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”

[at work]

Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?

*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*

“No…why do you ask?”

How was every day in October 36 hours long but the entire month went by in only 4 days. I’m confused.

“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”

*Door slams

– Jehova’s Witnesses

I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.

my powerpoints are getting increasingly desperate as the semester goes on

I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.

i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry

Nothing good happens on the credit card after midnight.

Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid

A minute, 45 seconds.

How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.

I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”

[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here

To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?

Science is fun!

#nottrue

*wakes up*
*looks at clock*

7:42 am

*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*

Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”

An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.

[at funeral]

FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss

ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured

FRIEND: I meant for your wife

ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost

prosecutor: why did you murder that man

me: i thought he was cake

prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?

me:

prosecutor:

me: i hoped he was cake

This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.

Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?

If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.

My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.

Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.

told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription

I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.

Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!

Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.