Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit

Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again

Boss: why are your eyes red?

Me: I got shampoo in them

Boss: we’ve talked about this

Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes

Boss: mhm

Me: but you can’t deny this volume

Boss: oh I am painfully jealous

I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.

I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass

the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery

I was up all night reading about insomnia

The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.

rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no

Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.

Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.

Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.

He replied: My Mother-in-law!

We fist bumped.

If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.

ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?

HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it

Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.

Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.

6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.

Thanks 2020!!!

Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)

I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”

texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus

I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.

My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.

teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees

class: OOOOH

[opens hawk cage]

class: AAAHHH

[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES

8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.

A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow

Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.

GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!

SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.

GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.

MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.

DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….

Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.

Me: Hiatus?

Girlfriend: I hate us too.

Hot singles in your area are eating chili.

Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.

Inmate: Who got me out?

Warden: A famous celebrity.

Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?

Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.

Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!

Warden: Just go man.

“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed

This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written

NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.