Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s

my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot

I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.

Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.

dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?

I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”

I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.

twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.

[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.

Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*

School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever

ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*

So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.

I don’t understand interventions.

What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?

On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.

Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.

there are 8 billion people in the world and i only have 3 friends and one is annoying.

A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese

Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.

I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.

Magazines are for your self esteem.

-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.

This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…

Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.

Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point

My husband just brought me a glass of wine unprompted. He must’ve noticed I cut my bangs today.

Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.

Wife is out of town, so I’ve got the whole bed to myself. Time to sprawl out like a starfish and enjoy every inch*

*I slept in my usual two-foot sliver

How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now

*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*

Friend: Does Jesus live in you?

Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.

FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town

ME: No problem

FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?

ME: No they’re all wood

I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.

my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be