I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
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I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me: