I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
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Going to wash my car then when I get back it’s all politics for me from here on out. I don’t really pay attention so I won’t know what I’m talking about but that’s clearly not stopped any of you
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Made friends w a child at the stingray tank at the aquarium, we were equally apprehensive ab touching the stingrays & then he said “I’ve been here before for school” & I said “wow, is it just like you remember it?” & he pointed to one specific stingray & said “yeah he was here”
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”