I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
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When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
oh youre into retro physical media and urban exploration? enjoy getting killed by a japanese ghost while im playing black ops 6 in my unhaunted house, idiot
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”
me: “you’ll have to be more specific”
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.