Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are

[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??

I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..

My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME

I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.

Boss-You’re Always the first one here!

Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?

*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting

Them: you should buy crypto

Me:

Them: ok sell it now

Me:

Them: nvm buy it back

Me:

Them: OMG SELL IT

Me: [pulls AirPods out] what

Not looking for a sugar daddy, but something more of a pay pal.

“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day

COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang

If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?

Now security is showing me out.

It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?

My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…

Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.

If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.

I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”

My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!

Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy

Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}

M: Nearly done now

C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}

M: All finished

C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}

M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles

Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.

feeling dizzy

highly recommended, many stars

“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”

-I say to the person I don’t remember.

Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.

They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.

i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure

yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart

I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.

*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*

*celebrates the thought with a pizza*

This is the coolest video you will see today.