I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
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Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
I have one of those big paintings with the eyeholes cut out but I don’t have anyone to spy on so I just watch TV through it.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
The therapist said to try deep breathing under water?
Hotels are back
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
fucked up and threw a surprise party for my minimalist friend. now 25 of us hiding behind the granite orb
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!