I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
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I always thought it was strange that Peter Parker works as a photographer…
Shouldn’t he be working in web design?
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
The fact that we don’t hear the words “free quote” and burst into laughter always amazes me. You aren’t going to charge me to tell me what you’ll charge me? Calm down, Karl Marx.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
I just got an email that they closed schools tomorrow because of the impending snow storm so I told my 7yo that he if gives me $5 he doesn’t have to go to school tomorrow
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.