Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?

I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.

I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”

I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.

My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:

“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”

School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money

Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.

If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley

me: i gave you the wrong mixtape
gf: all of these songs are about eating a sandwich
me: i know
gf: how are there so many

I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.

Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month

(Creating Atheists)

God: Make some humans Sciencey

Angel: Will they believe in you?

God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!

It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.

Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.

*London, 1592*

Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order

Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?

Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*

Me: I’ll see you in court!

Waldo: will you

My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.

they should invent a customer service center that isnt currently experiencing higher than normal call volume

Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.

My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.

Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.

[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?

A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.

@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.

Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.

A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do

If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules

*Throws caution to the wind*

*gets covered in caution*

Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron

“What a tangled web we weave”

-Earbuds