Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah

Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”

Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson

“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.

Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.

It must be so weird to be straight or gay.. like ur just not attracted to half of hot people?

It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.

Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?

Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.

Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.

One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”

Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”

Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.

Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?

What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?

“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?

Whatever it is, I’m that

(On a date)

Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.

Me: haha yeah that was a good call…

*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*

Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.

What’s the name of that drink? “The Will Smith”?

As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.

If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:

If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.

Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.

Cop: “Do you know how fast you were going?”

Me: “Officer, I’m focused on the future.”

I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”

Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.

Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?

A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant

M: Oh you naughty minx!

Damn what did I do next

I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.

Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.

Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.

If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.