I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
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The cashier just checked me out.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
just got CPR certified if yall know anyone dead or dying tell them hml
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
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wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!