I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
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I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
Did I do this right
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Why soy sad?
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27