Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Scooby Doo at an interview]

Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.

My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road

Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice

Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?

[opens fortune cookie]

“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”

My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.

[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here

Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*

ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol

GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?

ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao

G: Most people wish for world peace or money

ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental

G: Wow Max great work

My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.

This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement

My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)

Me: are you mad at me?

Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.

His need for me and only me.

• The cat wants to be fed.

ㅤ

GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points

Good morning.

This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting

Wife: What did I ask you to do?

Me: Love you forever?

W:

M: Kill a man to defend you honor?

W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER

I was getting there.

just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”

Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die

EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears

kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance

[being stopped by the cops]

Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool

My new best friend: *clicky noises*

Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*

grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—

me: it’s not controversial

grampa: don’t start

me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men

grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—

me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—

grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!

It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.

If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda

I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one

I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.

my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does

I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.

(you can unfollow me at anytime)

We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.