I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
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me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
My vegetarian sister discovered we were all in a separate group chat without her, sharing delicious food photos, called Secret Meat Up
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
One venti cheeseburger please.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle