Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa

Adele: I set fire to Lorraine

Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone

Lorraine: Stop it

It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.

For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.

I’m embedded with a mall-walking group. Tomorrow, we’re splitting a Cinnabon eight ways.

Don’t let herpes become yourpes.

ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me

nyc:

The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.

Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.

This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”

Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.

I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…

If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat

A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.

I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.

It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.

Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.

📸: @livinglyfree

#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare

Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.

*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*

*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS

even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen

People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?

If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.

kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that

[god creating jellyfish]

how bout an evil bag

mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10

me: ok

[later]

me: hey grandma

grandma: hello dear

me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842

TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT

termites walking up to the ark: two please

noah: any dietary restrictions?

termite: yeah we only eat woo—

noah:

termite: *noticing sheep* —ool. wool

noah:

termites:

noah: *getting down real close* stay the hell out of my sweaters

HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]

First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching

The Sun’s probably Asian.