Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Filling my pez dispenser with ibuprofen for whimsical pain relief

Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.

Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁

Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.

That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.

There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.

Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.

[first time at a rave]

These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird

I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.

When news reporters do sports stories

Me: You wrote a play?

Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.

Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?

Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away

The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.

The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.

MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.

Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok

Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet

Unimpressed

Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.

Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts

Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts

…you’re right, I do feel better now.

I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.

My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.

My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo

me: I’m nervous about my job interview

friend: just be honest

[later]

interviewer: hi

me: yeah a little

“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth

As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.

[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?

(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.

Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.

[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.

[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there