I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
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#Caturday
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
