I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
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What are some weird things about living in the modern world?
I’m a regular customer of a restaurant that I’ve never been to.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
[caught in a vending machine] SOMEONE BUY E7
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
There’s plenty of fish in the sea… For example, Christian:
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist: