Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?

If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?

Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry

*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country

Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?

The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.

Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one

I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign

ME: i’m gonna join the army

HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus

Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.

my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me

The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.

Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?

She said “stay up, imma call you”.

i’ve been awake for 4 days

Me: can I get a breakfast burrito

Waiter: no breakfast after 11

Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs

Waiter: no eggs after 11

Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken

Waiter: sur—

Me: —pre born

I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.

I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???

Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.

Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.

*wipes prints off microwave handle*

Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……

E – I – E – I – O…..

[first time trying standup]

Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-

*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT

Me: Please, mom, not now

Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.

I have written in my calendar that I have a physical scheduled and there’s something I scribbled below that I sure hope says ‘fasting’ and not something else.

I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes

I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.

A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.

Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.

Anyways, making friends is hard.

my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do

My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.

Sunday