I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
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career fairs are such a disappointment to fair enthusiasts. “fair” is misleading. they should be called jobathons
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
I was disappointed to learn today that my request for a six-month leave of absence was rejected. Apparently that’s “not how marriage works.”
“The future is yours!”
Me: [Looking around] No thank you.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
I want to meet the individual who made this
Science has enough bodies I’m donating mine to English lit just to spice things up a bit
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.