I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
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Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
An ice cream truck has rolled past my house three times and it’s honestly starting to feel like profiling
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
I’ve had 3 bagels in 5 days as long as I don’t eat another bagel for four more days
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Life is a suicide mission.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.