I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.

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My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.


My dirty language got me suspended in school but many years later I get rewarded with stars and retweets, never give up on your dreams kids.


HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over

ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over


Go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on people’s cars saying “sorry for the damage.” Film reactions. Profit.


I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.


I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.


BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?

FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it


I’m torn between having ‘wish you were here’ or ‘look behind you’ engraved on my headstone.


If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.