I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
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My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!