Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?

blood cell 2: of course baby

blood cell 3: coagulations guys!

My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.

😸

Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?

Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!

I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.

Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!

Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track

My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak

Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.

Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.

Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?

Be the reason she can’t walk properly.

~ 5 inch heels probably ~

I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?

Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?

There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving

do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes

have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely

I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key

I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.

Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms

If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?

#SpinachDay

Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.

Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:

gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction

Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?

Captain America: Um sure.

Spiderman: What should I do?

Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.

“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”

I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.

My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.

I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.

Business is booming.

[being introduced to a new coworker]

boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company

me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE

ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—

the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw

sometimes i miss this memes

Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.