Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.

THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?

THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?

THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.

7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…

It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.

Good luck with my paper jam, next person.

If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.

Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

(making small talk with a couple) so have you guys ever cheated on each other?

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.

Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.

Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet

Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest

I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.

I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer

[ gets death tarot card ]

me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad

blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad

boss: hi

me: *pretends to read an email*

boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”

Me: Footlong

Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?

Me: Cookie

[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT

I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.

There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???

Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.

Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.

I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!

Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?

Me: *defensively* I have been using-

Wife: Not as a coaster

Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink

I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.

my date last night:

– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his ex

dating is fun, you guys

#katesdates

My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess

me: how much for the wireless mouse?

pet store employee: that’s a hamster

And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.

I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.

just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi

When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”

People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.