I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
You Might Also Like
Nonmaterial gift ideas:
An experience
A home cooked meal
Offer to destroy one of their enemies
Clean their house
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
whenever I see a lady mail carrier i’m like ok slay that’s a woman in a mail dominated field
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
😆this is so true
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Everyone is always saying “take it on the chin” as a metaphor for enduring misfortune courageously until they take it on the chin & realize that’s the human knockout button.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
I am, perchance
