I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
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My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
a god among men
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?