i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
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Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Baking is just science you can eat.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter