i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
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“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.