Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*calls 911*

Hey, I found some big guns.

*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*

Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?

5: Pencils. Duh.

I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.

Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.

Should I call tech support or pray or what

getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing

If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.

this is a sign that you need a union

When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.

I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.

🐦

I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm

[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”

If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬

even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side

[Trying to find space in a parking lot]

Astronaut: We are severely off course

Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.

interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions

me: so I’m hired?

[god creating sharks]

angel: what is this?

god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense

Me: you feel like doing something?

Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill

Me: maybe after the killing then

waiter: what’ll it be?

cow: grass

horse: grass

sheep: grass

pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles

I’d … I’d rather not.

I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.

this is not ok. they turnt him into ice crims 💔💔

Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me

Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-

Me: *glares*

Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.

Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.

My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.

If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.

cop: you know why i pulled you over

me: …no ?

cop: come on dude

me: maybe i had a few too many–

cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk

me: i–

cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there

[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.

Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*