Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s pretty apt that the i is in the middle of ‘hurricane’.

[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]

My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…

So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.

I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame

Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.

Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.

butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?

First person to eat a banana: this is not good

First person to peel a banana: dude guess what

At least I can say I tried. I didn’t try, but I can say I did.

Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.

Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.

I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.

Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.

Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.

ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”

If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.

When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’

I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat

Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table

Cat: You aren’t my real father

Me: What?

Cat: Meow?

Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.

If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.

I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁

Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.

Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks

Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……

two weeks ago a friend was telling me about how they were sad because they hosted a cookout and invited “all their friends” but no one came and i just had to sit there and smile and nod as they sadly told me about this cookout that, incidentally, they did not invite me to

I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.

I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.

A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.

Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.

(putting my jacket over a woman’s shoulders) I’m actually really cold now haha. It’s ok though. Oh wow it’s super cold. Oh my god