Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.

3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too

This kinda thing happens to me often

Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot

I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.

I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.

oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.

Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx

Hub: When was your first kiss

Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks

Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent

Me: I hate you

Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.

Halloween candy is more expensive than the drugs they said people hid in them

When folks describe me as ‘a riot’, you might think it means I’m ‘fun and hilarious’. It really means I’m ‘broken glass and molotov cocktails’.

My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.

Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.

I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.

Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.

Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.

[meeting my gf’s parents]

gf: just please be serious

me: ok

[later]

gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now

me: I DID MY WAITING

gf: oh no

me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT

gf: please

me: IN AZKABAN

If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.

My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.

We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.

This should be good.

Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”

You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.

[Quiz show]

Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”

Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”

Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”

Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”

ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane

“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography

Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑

Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever

If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.

Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school

wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too

john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?