I just tried to groom my dog myself, and I now fully understand why the dog groomer charges more for a haircut than my own stylist.
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banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
🎶It’s like 10,000 steps when all you need is a nap🎶
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Guilty! 🤪
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Me in tagged photos
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator