I just tried to groom my dog myself, and I now fully understand why the dog groomer charges more for a haircut than my own stylist.
You Might Also Like
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
How rude of my car GPS to suggest Taco Bell as the first suggested destination, but also thanks it was helpful, that’s where I was going.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.