I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
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being a latchkey kid was sad but kids who had a parent home to greet them never got to live in that lawless two hours where you could eat something weird and you and your brother could hit each other
A doctor, a nurse and myself inspecting a patient
Doctor: The symptoms don’t make sense.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like this before
Me: I don’t even have a guess
Patient: Oh God what am I supposed to tell my family then?
Me: Tell them that women find you fascinating?
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
Free him
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
Long day at work, let me decompress by logging on and reading racist tweets by some guy named Wrath of Odysseus
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill