I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
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Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
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The 5 signs of laziness
1.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
I hope you folks are recycling correctly
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind