I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
You Might Also Like
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
NEW YORKERS: we need more housing
DEVELOPERS: you mean, like, little baby apartments?
NEW YORKERS: no, real housing
DEVELOPERS: we made the little baby apartments.
NEW YORKERS:
DEVELOPERS: you cannot afford them.
NEW YORKERS:
DEVELOPERS: they are “luxury” 😆
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
I like to listen to the national anthems during the award ceremonies. I’m into country music.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”