I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
You Might Also Like
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
every movie should have a part where it flashes MEANWHILE ON SKULL ISLAND and they show us what king kong up to