I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
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Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Why would I go to my high school reunion? I didn’t want to be there the first time.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes