I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
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me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
I used the label maker
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Me trying to walk in a dream
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy