I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
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Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did