I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
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Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Welcome to your 40s, you now don’t understand a single word anyone under 25 is saying
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
The answer is funnier than the question
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.