“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
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US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
#SCOTUS one-star review
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”