Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

teacher: where is your assignment?

me: my dog ate it-

[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]

me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.

A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks

My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.

Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.

Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.

Fact: In the early years, Pan Am never made money under founder Juan Trippe. It was only after he employed his brother, Return Trippe, that the airline became highly profitable.

(Musicians.)

Enter new password

“336Hours”

Your password is two weeks

I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.

I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.

I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!

My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school

*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*

Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —

Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?

It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.

please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q

“I like to get off on the right foot.”

“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”

Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.

People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.

No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”

Me: I try not to make snap judgments.

Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.

me: I’m sorry, I just don’t have the mental energy to keep trying to fix you

dinner ingredients:

me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?

cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close

Huge if true.

Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.

Me: Okay.

The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam

*packing suitcases*

kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket

kid 2: stick

[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?

Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”

me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd

my kids: what’s a cd?

me: *dies of old age*