“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
You Might Also Like
Well, well, well. How the wheels on the bus have gone round and round.
I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
tell em, edith-anne
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son