Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.

Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible

Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job

It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.

In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???

Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?

Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?

Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger

INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes

[me as a knight]

Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?

Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm

Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time

Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.

Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

“Cuz im going too fast?”

Cop: Yes, slow down.

“But it’s been 6 months-”

Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.

A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.

* on a date *

Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?

Me: I’m on a diet.

Date: So what will you order for dinner?

Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.

Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!

Me:

I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.

Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.

What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.

My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”

I am so proud.

experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal

Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.

[heaven]

IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do

ME: Me too

I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?

M: I didn’t stop poking a bear

We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.

I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend

By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.

[presidents 2km race – finish line]

OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?

CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11

My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *

*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready

When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents

*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*

My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”

my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed