Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.

When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.

Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit

Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?

I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.

Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.

[Eating]

Waiter: How’s the meal?

Me: I dunno. Let me check

*pulls out phone

Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram

Waiter: …

You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here

6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?

Me: You have the flu.

6: I’m sick, not dead.

My 5 y/o just pooped teal. I asked what she ate and she said, I hid in the pantry yesterday and ate all the blue sprinkles in the shaker. FFS

got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not

My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.

Day 2 of being Kidnapped.

Kidnappers have now committed suicide.

*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.

Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:

1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab

Facebook: Look at my perfect life

Instagram: Validate me harder

Twitter: Does this look infected?

A big FUCK YOU to people driving small cars and pulling deep into parking spaces so I think I have a spot until the last second.

I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.

What’s this sorcery? 😂

[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]

Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.

Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*

Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.

Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.

You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.

[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?

Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away

Me asks *my kid to do his home work*

My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?

Not to date myself, but nobody else will.

I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!

#alternative

*walks into interview*

Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.

*walks out of interview*

Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too

[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.

A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.