I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
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At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
I’ve never met a mistake that I couldn’t make mistakier.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.