I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
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wiping my hands on my pants before i shaking someone’s hand so they spend the rest of the day wondering what i just touched
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
I can’t 🤣🤣🤣
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
Every full moon my house turns into a storage facility. It’s a werehouse.
twitter is a journey
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!