Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.

Me: Okay.

[30 minutes later]

Son: What keeps beeping??

Me: I have no idea

Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but

Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?

Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one

My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.

Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker

General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.

Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs

Time magazine should have a Worst Person of the Year

A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.

[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT

My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere

[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no

People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are

Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep

HER: Let’s do some role playing

ME: Okay, be ur sister

HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..

ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?

by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you

anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?

what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.

Mosquito *bites a vampire*:

Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!

Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”

Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?

Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.

Hub: because they were stuck together?

Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!

Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.

Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage

There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”

doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom

im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat

Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.

DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*

My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.

[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?

New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.

Foolproof? Yeah, well we’ll see about that

How soon into a new relationship should you let her know you’re an idiot

THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.