I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
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Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Vodka is essentially odorless. That wasn’t what tipped off co-workers.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
black phone good
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
Maybe we should all just live our lives in a way that won’t piss off Kendrick Lamar
Shout out to the lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
