Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”

“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15

I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it

Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”

Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.

I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.

ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo

KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*

ME: holy shit

this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy

*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*

HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!

You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.

dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!

Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday

Dad: internet people aren’t real friends

Me: *to dm room* he says thanks

Interviewer: what makes you stand out?

Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.

Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?

Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.

Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.

For anyone who needs this today

Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days

It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.

Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.

Primenesia?

I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.

I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.

50 shades of grey = my Liver

I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.

What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!

That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.

I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse

I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.

I’ve never completed a marathon, but I’ve listened to my mom tell a story, so don’t talk to me about endurance.

Him: I’m an English teacher

Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes

accurate

How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?